By Bob Norson

The surveillance issue that we published several months ago, brought up some interesting questions of the legality and morality of the boardings by various "officials". An issue we didn't cover however, was that of motivation of the individuals involved. The enthusiasm displayed by the minions of the government seemed excessive even by normal bureaucratic standards. I was especially impressed by the Queensland officer that demanded the "cruising permit" of the NSW boat.

Normally I would have to just shake my head in wonder and carry on.... but as Tom Petty once said "even losers get lucky sometimes". While attending a function on the Gold Coast I was very fortunately seated next to Dr.Richard Hesse of the "Institute of Psychotherapy" of Heidelberg Germany. As the good doctor is a huge fan of TCP he uncharacteristically waived his normal fee for professional services and granted me the following insightful interview.... GRATIS.. which, as you probably know, is all we can normally afford, being boat owners after all. But I digress..... Follows the faithful record of that interview of 12-01-04 from the Atlantis building, overlooking the action from the 18th floor........

Norson: First of all, thank you Dr. Hesse for taking the time from your schedule for this interview.
Dr. Hesse: Think nothing of it Bob. We are after all professionals, brothers as it were, in the attempt at understanding our lesser relations in the family tree.
Norson: Er... Right.. Let's get right to it then. The issue is the failure we have in coming to grips with the personality type that myself and many boaties have had to confront on the water ways of the Great Barrier Reef.
Dr. Hesse: This subject is an opportunity for all of us as there is an aspect of this situation where you and your vast number of readers can provide valuable assistance to my continuing research on this vary subject... but more on that later. As I understand the problem, you wish to know why officialdom seems to be the domain of a particular type of overzealous and rude personality type seemingly bent on using whatever excuse du jour to annoy and harass innocent boaties. Is that about it?
Norson: Couldn't have said it better myself!
Dr. Hesse: As a matter of fact the problem is a specialty of mine and has been the object of continuing research. I have just come back from the USA, California in particular, where the police are world famous for these phenomena. The news from Queensland, however, has been very exciting as it seems it could turn into an even more fertile ground for investigation. The issue has already been a focus of my advance staff and we do have enough to go on to make public our preliminary findings.
Norson: How exciting!! You have an answer then..
Dr. Hesse: We believe so. As I said, research does continue, but our early findings here confirm the conclusions brought about by our American studies. We have found a common trait that is almost universally found in the officials that habitually offend.
Norson: Well... What is it??!!
Dr. Hesse: They have no penis.......
Norson: WHAT!!?? You can't be serious!
Dr. Hesse: Deadly serious, and sad, but true... there isn't a penis among them. As the research of my noble predecessor, Dr. Freud suggested, Penis envy is a powerful motivating force causing a number of disorders, notably the abuse of authority in the most petty and demeaning sense. Now that some information of our research has been made public, we did get a letter of complaint from Cairns, denying our conclusion, accompanied by a photo. We had to write back to that official notifying him that while he may take great pride in his member, we require a measurement of at least 25mm to qualify.
Norson: Which brings to mind the question...How the hell do you get these people to ...er... cooperate??
Dr. Hesse: Nothing to it. We just tell them that we heard they had an "exceptional" specimen and they jerk their pants down so fast it leaves a sonic boom. They are nothing if not reliable.
Norson: They don't pay you enough!
Dr. Hesse: Tell me about it. I can't tell you what kind of disgusting lies we have to tell them to talk them into letting us get a micrometer in there.. Horrible! Which brings me to the real purpose of this interview. You didn't actually believe I would waive my normal fee of $1000 per hour for nothing did you?!
Norson: But you said you were a fan of the TCP!!
Dr. Hesse: That silly little rag!!?? Get real. I figure that the few readers you have can't be too bright so maybe I can talk them into assisting with the most loathsome part of my research, that is the actual measuring part......So You readers out there... The next time you are confronted by one of those officials.... I want you to ask to see their penis..... When they proudly display themselves to you, try to ascertain whether it is a congenital defect or amputation if you can. Don't forget to take the measurement. As a reward we will be sending out tweezers and rubber gloves to the first 100 people that send us data.
Norson: There is a lesson in here somewhere............

AND… To all those quality, dedicated officials, you know we don't mean YOU. It must be awful working with those "penis challenged" ones, and as far as you bad guys…prove it aint so!